As I flipped through the pages, and found myself nauseous with nostalgia of a time when I masked sincere emotions with blue eyeliner and avoided social contact behind the viewfinder of my DSLR camera, I did it. I felt lost for the words of strength that swarmed my mind day-in and day-out. I felt myself dropping the grudges of lost friends, broken relationships and petty teenage gossip, and for the first time since graduation day, I missed the people who built me.
Who knew that my pride and joy, my senior year school yearbook, that I spent nearly 1,400 hours trying to perfect, would have a typo on the opening spread that would remind me that SHS gave me so much good to overcome all the bad that had circled through my mind almost daily.
I am a woman of strength. I would lose a friend and tell myself that I didn’t care. Truth be told, I was scared. My strength was a facade, because I did not desire to wander into a land of the unknown to face my problems. In turn, I became a closet mean girl. I stopped caring about other people’s feelings and have a list of people who fell victim of my burning bridges.
Today, I am sorry. I am sorry for abandoning my best friends.
People change. Though they are all strangers to me now, I believe we are all better people.
One of my biggest flaws is being a perfectionist. I am overly controlling. In my *wise*, old age of 22, I have learned, kind of, how to sit on my hands. A few months ago, Jared showed me a NYC vlogger, Casey Neistat. In Casey’s videos, he often shares his views on life, while some seem outrageous to me, like dropping everything to move to NYC, he posted one video that was gold.
The problem with perfection is there is nowhere to go… nowhere to stretch your legs and run with creativity. Casey’s breakdown of being a loser or a closer just makes sense.
At this point, you are probably lost and wondering how my yearbook links to old friends which links to Casey which brings you here.
I was a kid. I had no idea how to live life. We were taught to plan for our futures, but all, literally all, of my plans went down the drain. I lost my best friends because I thought that I wouldn’t care about them in the future. False. I miss them. I thought that spending 1,400 hours working on that damn yearbook would result in winning a Pacemaker award. FALSE. Instead I found a typo on one of the most important pages in the book. I thought that today I would be applying to jobs and counting down the days until graduation. False. Instead I am counting down the days until my application is due to the Graphic Design program and looking forward to my next two years of school.
If I have learned anything in my life, it is that my future is so undetermined… and I would not change a thing. It’s exciting not knowing what your future hold. It keeps you on your feet with your head in the clouds.
Knowing what my future hold is the best thing that has never happened.