I want to focus on the positive. I want to surround myself with people who do the same. Recently, I don’t know if I have been doing that… and I know this pattern. It is almost as if I am suffering from a great deal of deja vu. I find my path being lit by the bridges I burn. In high school I had a solid reason to end the friendships that I did. I was not friends with people who were pushing me to be a better person. Is that the case again? Are the people I sit and talk with the right people in my life?
I have always found it easier to have no friends than to suffer through a friendship that is lacking a solid bond. I use to take the blame. I told myself that I was too concerned about my personal feelings over those of others. In recent years I have learn that’s not the case — I am not a selfish person. I do, however, try to please people beyond my capabilities, and it changes my personality. This weekend I found myself in an environment that started to alter who I am. A negative virus began to spread like a plague, and I had a moment of falling ill. The negative virus seeped into the environment around me. That place provokes hate. Jared could feel my personality struggling between being a good person or being a fake friend. He reminded me to be true to myself. So I left the situation for the rest of the weekend.
I am not the person who will ever talk down on sorority life, but a constant desire to be on the top is what sparks the fire that wipes out sisterhood. I don’t want to compete with sisters or have sisters feel like they need to compete with me. I don’t have to be the first in line or the one with the best idea, unfortunately, I feel like the people who I have been surrounding myself with are in that constant state. I will admit that I was one to fall short of holding my sister accountable for their actions. I did not speak up when I should have, but reasoning with anger is a difficult task. I know the fire that burned in St. Louis is not an accurate representation of the people I have pledged my life to, and I know they have or will reflect on the weekend and see how silly it is to fight. I don’t want to repeat the pattern of burning bridges and losing friends, because I want to believe that we, as a whole, are better than that. We don’t need to be the best, if we surround ourselves with people who hold buckets of water and don’t let that friendship fade.